An Accidental Homebirthing Experience - Lucy's story

"You know... not everything we do needs to be extraordinary..." Jonathan said this to me as he was loading me into the back of the ambulance outside of our house while I held our newly born daughter in my arms.

We never intended on having a home birth.  Our plan was always to head into the hospital as soon as my contractions were 5 minutes apart, lasting for 1 minute, for 1 hour (basically the 5-1-1 rule).  There are people who do plan on birthing at home and they have a midwife on call and a general plan for emergency back ups in case something goes wrong.  Some women seek out home births because they feel more comfortable in their familiar surroundings or because they want more control over the environment.  There are the rare occasions we all hear about where a woman doesn't make it to the hospital in time and has to give birth in the back of the car on the highway or in the back of an ambulance.  For most people, this is a "worst case scenario" and it freaks people out. Rightly so.  Not being in control of your situation can be a scary thing and most people have zero experience delivering babies.  Shockingly,  WE ended up being one of those families who didn't make it to the hospital, or even out our front door, because we underestimated well...everything.

Five things nobody will tell you - pregnancy the second time around

In the third trimester, it is often easy to complain about the physical aches and pains of pregnancy, but that's what everyone goes through.  I'm here to tell you about all of the things that people either DON'T tell you about pregnancy after you've already had a kid, (because they think you're a pro and you've been through it before) OR because you honestly don't hear what they say as you're too busy chasing after your toddler to let anything informative sink in.

I'm pretty sure when I was pregnant with Calvin, my manager at work said to me, "Enjoy putting your feet up at the end of each work day during this pregnancy, because it's the last pregnancy you will ever 'enjoy.'"  She had a point and was only hinting at some of the fun surprises I'd discover the second time around.


All that fatigue, nausea, and food aversion you experience in the first trimester, yeah those still happen only now you have a guaranteed 6am wake up call... your oldest child

It's true, I can admit it - I had it so easy with Calvin that I barely knew I was pregnant during the entire first trimester.  Go ahead and hate on me, I can take it.  It was easy the first time around but this second pregnancy I got walloped with 3 weeks of nausea followed by 3 months of food aversions.  The nausea was the worst (always is, right?) and there is nothing worse than bending over to pick up 33 toy cars off the floor and truly believing you are going to throw up at any moment.  Not only do you have to chase around your toddler while feeling completely gross, tired and sick, but then your favorite foods (like coffee) are completely ruined.  I couldn't drink coffee anymore - it tasted like soy sauce. Seriously?  I never experienced food aversions before -- it's no fun having all of your favorite foods immediately seem repulsive.

Your first child will step, jump, pounce and attack your belly

It's a good thing there is extra cushioning already built in (or building) to protect this baby because Calvin frequently decides it's fun to jump on me, like old times.  I was reassured by my midwife that the little one is completely safe inside, but it still freaks you out a bit when it happens.  I had to teach Calvin to be careful and to respect my new "state" and not deliberately climb on me.

The first-born still wants to be held, carried and cuddled

This one depends on the age span between pregnancies, but in general, if you have your kids close together in age, this will hold up.

When this new baby is born, Calvin and his sister will be 2.5 years apart.  That's a pretty healthy age span and means that Calvin is fairly independent and can do things on his own... for the most part.  Thankfully, he listens to instructions, but he still requires periodic carrying and demands lots of snuggling. After consistently refusing to ride in his stroller, I decided that a shoulder carry was my best non-stroller option as my belly was preventing my usual hip-carry hold.  I can't tell you the number of looks I received from strangers as they watched me trudge up the steep hill to my house with a 2 year old on my shoulders and my very pregnant belly sticking out.  

Second/third trimester kicks, rolls and jabs are now painful

I remember feeling Calvin's kicks and hiccups with fond memories.  "Oh, isn't that sweet? S/he is moving around again."  This time around, it is downright painful and uncomfortable 99% of the time.  "OH MY GOD! Is this a human being or a wild beast inside my belly?!?! Owwww! Get out from under my ribs!"   I'm not sure why or how, but this has been verified by other seasoned moms -- those lovely little kicks and punches you experienced with baby #1 are 5x more painful in subsequent pregnancies.

You care much much less

I mean this in the nicest way possible but it still has to be said.  Maybe this isn't something that nobody will tell you, but it is something that still caught be my surprise.  I'm not even really paying attention to this pregnancy.  I mean, I am -- I'm still taking weekly belly pictures -- but that's about it.  Thankfully my pregnancy app reminds me of each milestone because I'm too busy chasing Calvin, working or cleaning the house to think much about how large my baby's legs are or what her lungs are doing at the moment.  With pregnancy #1, I was enthralled in every detail. I read all of the books and watched informative documentaries.  The silver lining to already "neglecting" my second born in-utero, is that I'm much less stressed out. I'm not thinking about all of the things that could go wrong so I'm enjoying this in a different way.

...all that I've said above, I still have it pretty easy.  I'm very lucky that even though this pregnancy isn't as smooth sailing as my first, I don't have any major complications or issues.  Calvin is super independent and happy to play on his own, as long as I am watching ("Momma come! Come here Momma!'.  He has adjusted to me not carrying him as much as I used to (because I simply cannot do it) and he is getting excited to meet his baby sister.

I'm sure there will be many things that I will learn once the baby is born that nobody could prepare me for.  I am looking forward to see how our family dynamics change with the introduction of a new personality.  More fun times ahead!

Will we get lucky a second time?

Calvin is remarkably easy.  He was an easy pregnancy, an easy newborn, and a super easy toddler.  We had no idea what we were in store for and it turns out that he is pretty wonderful 98% of the time. Case in point: today I asked him if he wanted lunch and he said, "no -- nap with binks."  As usual, I reiterated what he said to be sure we were on the same page, "You just want to take a nap with your binks?" To which he replied, "Yeah! Hurray!" and crawled backwards down the stairs, jumped into his crib and grabbed his pacifier.  That was it - nap time is the best time.  He asked and then celebrated when he got to take a nap.  Who does that?  You really can't ask for much more than that.

It's only when I hear about other mom's children's tantrums that I discover that Calvin's "tantrums" are really just minor disputes in our house. Nothing is ever broken or destroyed and the tears abate after a few minutes and a hug from Momma or Daddy.  We keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to hit his "nightmare phase" but so far, we've been lucky.  (I'm currently knocking on wood and have my fingers and toes crossed because I REALLY don't want to jinx anything).

So...the real nail-biting question is whether we will hit the JACKPOT with our newest little angel or if we are in store for a whole bucket of crazy.  I'd like to think that we are more experienced parents this time around and that we can handle everything but Calvin didn't prepare us for everything, he only prepared us for his kind of calm, relaxed type of play. Not much help if we end up with a little hellion.

So here's to hoping that Calvin's relaxed approach to life is coded into our genes -- both Jon and I are pretty chill (right?) -- and that they combine again in such a way to result in the cutest, calmest little baby known to us.  If not, well, we'll roll with the punches and learn how to be parents all over again.  That's part of the fun, right?

Vintage Calvin

Sometimes I forget how much he has changed in such a short amount of time.  Looking back at my Facebook timeline, I found this terrifying gem:

Lisa Ferland

December 17, 2011 via mobile

Calvin's new sleep record: 9:30pm-5:50am. Success!

I'm so glad that Calvin sleeps 11-12 hours now.  It's liberating to have our nights back!

Here is an old Calvin video -- some "Vintage Calvin" for nostalgia's sake.  I'm so glad that we took so many videos because you really forget all of their gurgles and dinosaur noises.  I also forgot that he would wake up and fall asleep all within one minute.

Is moving to Sweden a good idea -- from the eyes of another

I almost spit out my coffee (2nd cup, no worries really) when I saw this headline on The Local's website.  The Local is Swedish news in English, for us immigrant folk, and the subject area hit home.
Moving to Sweden: Is it the right decision?

In this article, an Irish immigrant, his Swedish wife and their newborn son make the agonizing decision to move to Sweden.  Not surprisingly, Sweden's generous parental leave policies, subsidized child care options and health care structure factored strongly into their decision.  Also not surprising, was his comments on the difficulty to find housing and a job as a non-Swedish speaking professional.

This article hit home for me in many ways but probably the greatest way was that at the crux of the article, he is just a parent trying to make the best decision for his family.  Isn't that what we all strive for?

What did you think of the article? Dèjá vu?

Practicing our animal noises

Whenever Calvin sees an animal, he doesn't say, "sheep" or "cow," instead he either baaaas or moooos at them.  He has associated animals with their noises for a while now (3 months?) but it is always fun to have him "perform" for our friends and family when we Skype.  We try hard to add new animals to the mix and keep it interesting.  Sometimes we play the animal noise game too often and when you ask him a question, he just gives you this look like, "Uhh, Mom, I've done that one already."  So it has been on our to-do list to get a video to capture his animal noises.  Most of our video attempts have resulted in distractions and feature him saying one or two animals before running off to play with his ball. I lucked out yesterday when I picked him up from dagis and he was in a chatty mood.  He even added two new animals that he has never done before -- horse and bird.  We are always amazed at the amount of information he absorbs.

So, here is a little video of Calvin and his animal noises (says his uber proud momma):

Going "Full Swedish" = "Getting awesome"

Lately, we have been using the term "Full Swedish" or asking, "Should we go 'Full Swedish'?"  Basically, that question or statement means that we are doing things the local way.  For instance, Jon and I walked into our local, beautiful, nature-ish swimming pool and there was a sign (in Swedish) that said,

"Note: Parents, all children must wear bathing suits in the small and large pools for health."

Why is that written in bold letters on a white board as soon as you enter the pool?

International Travel with a Toddler

Playground fun in Budapest!

Everyone wants to know what it is like to travel with a +12 month old.  Either people are convinced that it cannot or should not be done for the sake of the parents or for those traveling around them.  Well, I have two answers to that line of thinking: 1) Parents put up with a whole lot of discomfort for the long-term benefits of having kids -- traveling is the same thing.  You will be greatly inconvenienced for about 5 hours but then it's all over and it is a lot of fun.  And,

"Daddy" means everything

...and I mean that in the most literal sense!  At first, he just attributed the word whenever he saw dogs, so we thought he was trying to say "doggie."  THEN, he said it very slowly (daaaadeeee) in front of Jon and we rejoiced with pride that he had correctly attributed the word to his actual daddy.  Then we started to realize that he was saying daddy when he was looking at me too and it started to dawn on us that he is just calling everything, and everyone, daddy.

Calvin's new preschool -- a comparison between US and Swedish daycares

New preschool!

I blogged previously about the nightmare that is the Swedish daycare/preschool application system in Stockholm but in case you forgot about it, you can read all about it here and here.  Aside from the website stockholmstad.se  being almost completely useless and user-hostile, I managed to submit Calvin's application to preschool for August 2012.  With this system, there is no guarantee that you will be placed in a preschool near where you live, just "somewhere in Stockholm."  OK -- well that could easily be 45 minutes away by public transit.  Naturally, we would all prefer one within walking distance of our house so we can just walk the little guy back after a long day.  Since we are only enrolling Calvin part time, I would prefer not to have to commute an hour each way so I can go back to the house to work on my consulting projects.

Needless to say, we were thrilled (or hesitatingly optimistic) when we received a large packet of information in the mail.  ALL of it was in Swedish (of course), so with the help of Google Translate and a Swedish friend, we figured out that we were accepted to a brand new private preschool on our island -- about a 10 minute walk from our place.  PERFECT!  We were invited to an open house so we could meet the teachers and find out what is expected of us as parents.

Joann and Dave were in town for Calvin's first birthday, so I brought Joann with me since Jon had to work late.  I wanted to have her perspective on the place and she witnessed firsthand what we went through with the nannies back in Atlanta, so I knew she would have good advice.

When we arrived, I was surprised by how "under construction" the place was considering they were going to start taking kids in two weeks.  Other than that, it was sparkling new.  Nothing like new toys and carpet to make you feel all warm and fuzzy.  The toys were all perfectly lined up in rows just ready for the little baby hands to snag them.  Everything was orderly and pristine.  They gave an informational session and even though the teachers knew that 45% of us only spoke English, the entire presentation was in Swedish with the promise to pause and translate the important parts --- only they didn't.  They had PowerPoint slides with words on them that I have never seen before in my life.  I couldn't even begin to break them down and I feel like my understanding of basic Swedish vocabulary is fairly solid.  One woman raised her hand and was like, "can I get a hint here?"  Basically they talked in length about their approach to teaching (or I think that's what they were saying).  They would speak for about 20 minutes, laugh, gesture, and then give us English-only folk a 1 minute recap.  I don't think I missed anything too essential or at least I hope I didn't.

Having gone through this daycare song and dance with Calvin back in the US, I found this experience to be completely different.  For one thing, he is a lot older now and my questions are really different than they were when he was a baby-baby.  Back then, when he was 3 months old, all I really cared about was how they were going to feed him, pay attention to his naps, and pick him up when he was crying.  Now, my only questions were centered around how much outside play time he was going to have and the age of the other kids around him.  I felt much more calm, centered and like we were both ready for this transition.

While my mind was spinning trying to listen to Swedish for 45 minutes, Calvin and Joann played with all of the new toys in the other rooms.  He was busy putting objects away and driving on their fancy fun car mats.  He loves opening and closing doors and had a fun time in the kitchen, banging all of those mini pots and pans.  It was familiar to him because we have been going to the open preschools together for 3 months.  He knows the design, toys and he seemed really comfortable.  He didn't even notice me when I came back in the room because he was too busy playing and exploring.  I couldn't help but think back to what a wreck I was back in Atlanta when I decided that we couldn't do daycare because their shoe removal policy was atrocious (they wore those shoe covers outside which kind of defeats the entire point).  Now I just looked at him with a big smile -- he's going to be 110% ok with this.  He is going to have so much fun every day.  He loves interacting with other kids and he is really becoming a social guy -- he must get that from his dad.

Fun car mat!

A few notables on the differences I experienced between the two systems.  This is not to say that ALL US daycares are like this but this is what we were looking at in Atlanta:

Price
Atlanta: $1,500/month -- full time, no part time option
Stockholm: max $175/month -- full time or part time (30 hrs, which is slightly less)

Essentials to bring from home
Atlanta: diapers, wipes, change of clothes, bottles with milk, pacifier
Stockholm: change of clothes, pictures of loved ones, 1 stuffed animal for nap time, pacifier (diapers and wipes are provided)

Teacher to baby ratio
Atlanta: 1:3 (though one teacher "floated" amongst the classrooms, so I observed 1:4 and often 1:5, which is ridiculous)
Stockholm: 1:3

Intake/Adjustment*
Atlanta: 3 days: Day 1: you spend 1 hour getting to know the teacher and letting your kid "play"; Day 2: you leave your child for 3-4 hours and come back every once in a while to check on them; Day 3: leave your child
Stockholm: 3 days: Day 1: spend a half day getting to see the routine and schedule; Day 2: stay until after lunch; Day 3: if you and your child are ready, you leave at some point during the day

*The biggest difference I saw between the two intake systems was that the US daycare was fairly flippant about the process.  It was almost like they were going through the motions of trying to make the parents feel at ease about leaving their 3 month old with a complete set of strangers.  They kept telling me, "yeah yeah, we do this with babies all of the time."  In Stockholm, they emphasized in both languages, that it was very important that both parents and children feel safe and comfortable in the school.  They stressed that on Day 3, you can choose to leave your child or choose to stay longer and continue sitting in until you feel comfortable enough to leave.  You have to "say goodbye" to your child and hand them over to their care provider so that your child knows that you are leaving.  No sneaking off while they are distracted playing!

Sorry mom, I'm busy playing!

I feel more comfortable with our current situation for numerous reasons.

1. Calvin is older -- plain and simple.  He cries a whole lot less so there isn't the worry that someone won't address his every whimper like I had before.
2. Open preschools have set us both up for success.  He knows what is expected of him in these social situations and I know how he will behave and act.  It is reassuring to know that he enjoys all of the playtime and singing.
3. I've done this before.  I've already "left" my baby with another person for care taking during the day.  Albeit we chose a nanny instead of a daycare, but I still left him for 9 hours each day.  I feel like it was much harder when he was younger and I survived it just fine. This doesn't feel nearly as heart wrenching.

I looked at the room of parents and saw the looks of terror, fear and anxiety on some of the moms' faces.  Nobody looked happy and I started wondering if I was crazy for being so calm.  One mom looked at her child's name posted on the cubby and said, "my baby!"  It doesn't matter how old your baby is when you "leave" them, the first time is always the worst.  I absolutely love all of my time with Calvin but I see it as super special "extra" time.  If we still lived in Atlanta, I would still be working and wouldn't have had all of these great experiences at home with him.  His attendance to daycare/preschool isn't the ending of our time together but a chance for him to develop further independence.  I remain lucky in that I'll still be able to go pick him up whenever I want to and it is just a quick walk around the corner.  But I'm not going to lie as I'm also looking forward to speaking on conference calls without a shouty baby banging toys in the background. Professionally, I need some quiet time to get my work done.  Chasing after Calvin to make sure he doesn't poke the dogs' eyes out while I'm writing a paper has been exhausting!

We are going to have to work on their pronunciation of his name though.  One teacher announced his name and I didn't even recognize it.  It took me a second because no other parent moved and then I was like, "Oh yeah, I'm Kelvin Yammies' mom" or at least that was what it sounded like.  Kelvin Yammies...

Some Swedish names and one American name

Ergonomic high chairs

tea time?

I call it a "pillow jacuzzi" and that is a rubber hedgehog in the pic

Other Moms in Sweden

I'm not the only mom in town blogging about the fun family times had in Sweden.  My friend, Emelie, has a super cute blog where she talks in generous detail about the open preschools and fun activities around Stockholm.  Her daughter, Ania, is super cute and Calvin has kissed her at least once so you know she is cool :-)  She also posts really nice pictures and I think pictures tell the best stories.

Check out Emelie's blog here:
http://thelittlestpollard.wordpress.com/

A First Birthday for a Little Viking

I think he matched the picture dead on!

I had been brainstorming Calvin's first birthday party for what seemed like months.  I even blogged about it previously here and detailed out the decorations and various ideas.  Sweden doesn't have any "big box" stores like Toys R Us, Target, Walmart, etc, so finding decorations and simple things like paper plates and cups turned into a 4 week scavenger hunt around Stockholm.



To complete the viking theme, I needed some blue and yellow streamers, plates, and a Happy Birthday banner (in English).  We also needed to find appropriate viking helmets, swords and a dragon.

Super cute dragon and defensive gear

Jon wanted to make sure that Calvin wasn't the only viking in town, so we headed to Gamla Stan to find him an accompanying Viking t-shirt that was befitting a proud papa.  I think we were successful.

I did order the Knight's Castle Play Tent but we decided to make a venue switch at the last moment and hold the party at the nearby park since the weather was so beautiful (~50F and sunny).  It ended up being a good switch since the kids were able to take a nap in their strollers and Calvin was able to convince his Pepere to take him down the slide once or twice.

Cute castle that never left our living room

3 little vikings and their mammas

Slaying dragons is exhausting! 

Eyeballing the slide...

Alessandro was ready to party!

 The only real hiccup, if you can even call it that, was that Calvin decided to take a nap halfway through his own party.  This kind of ground the festivities to a halt as you can't cut the cake until the birthday boy has made his first birthday wish.  Some guests had to leave early as you can't wait forever for a one year old to wake up from his nap, but I made sure that everyone looked at the famous dragon cake before they left.

The cake came out better than I could have planned.  This was mostly due to the obligatory "practice" cake that Jon had requested earlier.  During Sam's visit, we scouted out all of the best Swedish candy substitutes for an American recipe and I had her smuggle in some Fruit Rollups for the dragon wings and flamed tongue.  Thankfully she thought ahead and also brought some food coloring or I would have had to conjure up a DIY food dye.  Joann was also on hand to help me frost the dragon which was really helpful since I had forgotten much of what I had learned from the first dragon.  *Note, the cut sides of the cake should face down on the plate to avoid getting crumbs in the frosting.*  It's things like this that you learn with practice.  Fortunately, I'll have many more birthdays to hone my skills.

It was a beautiful day and Calvin was ready to smash into some cake once he woke up from his nap.  He played with his buddy Alessandro for a while and then we all went home to play in the knight's castle.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect party for my special boy.

Then and Now

3.5 months old

10.5 months old