Raising the stakes to learn Swedish

The Background
After living in Sweden for 2.5 years, we've attended classes, had a private tutor and bought Rosetta Stone and yet we still haven't greatly improved in our understanding of the Swedish language. It is not so much of an inability to learn as it is a lack of proper motivation. My job is entirely in English and I work from home, so I'm somewhat isolated. Jon works entirely in English and has some coworkers who are willing to have fika time in Swedish, but it isn't helping nearly enough. Jon's parental leave is beginning at the end of this week and we both decided that it was time to set aside dedicated language time each day. This is Jon's greatest opportunity to learn the language and if we don't commit, we will only continue to slowly struggle.

The Issue
One of the biggest motivating factors is Calvin. He is truly bilingual and can consciously switch between Swedish and English if we ask him. I wouldn't say we can count on him as our main translator as he has led us astray in the past - he's a practical jokester already - and also because he is 3 years old. We are responsible for our own integration. Our neighbors have told us that he speaks perfect Swedish when we aren't around but when we are present, his Swedish declines and he speaks in English. We don't want to be in a position where we are negatively affecting his social skills with his peers. We want him to be able to play and invite friends over to our house. It is a major issue if we can't communicate with his friends. We don't want to be the limiting factor here. That's not fair to Calvin.

Raising the stakes
So, to really buckle down, Jon set a bet. We will be using the free online program, Memrise, and their handy iPhone app, to set daily competitions. The program awards points depending on how accurately and quickly you respond to reading and writing comprehension of a vocabulary set. Whoever has the least number of points awarded during their 30 min study session will have to do the laundry that day. We can practice in addition to those 30 minutes but only that session will be scored and will determine the winner and loser. Believe me, our house has a lot of laundry so this is truly a motivating factor.

So when you see us using a lot more Swedish on Facebook and in emails and texts, it is because I really don't want to do the laundry anymore and Jon is trying his best to beat me. BRING IT ON!

Reader's Digest Update - February - May 2014

I really don't know why I continue to think I will get less busy as time goes on. It never seems to be the case but I will think, "Oh, in a few more weeks things will die down and I'll write another blog post." NOPE.

So here is a super condensed version of the past 5 months:

February 

• Calvin contracted chickenpox and I learned that combating the itching throughout the night is nearly impossible - midnight cuddles work well but nobody sleeps.
• Lucy ALSO contracted the chickenpox thanks to the generous kisses, sneezes and snots from her big brother. I was concerned because she was only 4 months old but she only manifested 6 spots total and earned some pox scars on her belly as proof that she endured a mild case. She'll be at greater risk for shingles as an adult so she will get the vaccine for that eventually.
• THAT TOOK UP MY ENTIRE MONTH

March

• Calvin started a new school right across the street from us, so Jon did the inskolning while I tended to chicken poxed Lucy at home
• He LOVES his new school - the teachers are old school Swedish marms and have been doing this for 30 years. He'll be a proper little Swedish boy in another year or so. 
• His English and Swedish language skills are skyrocketing and he is speaking in full sentences and using the word "either" properly, which I found to be impressive. His manners are very proper and I find it hard to resist him when he asks in his little chirpy voice, "I would like x, y and z, please, Momma?"
• Jon left for the Dominican Republic for a week for cousin Mikey and Megan's wedding - I was wishing I could go too and enjoy an open bar, warm weather and family fun.

April

• VISITORS and Jon worked nonstop
• Dave visited for a few days and then he and Jon went to London for the London Marathon. Dave did a great job and finished all 26.2 miles despite being incredibly sick the day prior. Jon played the part of tourist very well and sampled all of the nearby London pubs.
• My mom came to visit and we had beautifully warm weather. We enjoyed a fun filled day at Skansen and other adventures.
• Calvin had his 3 year old dental appointment and they scolded me for not having him brush his teeth twice a day for 2 minutes at a time (all in Swedish). I laughed in their faces - pretty sure that crossed the language barrier clearly. 
• Joann came at the end of April and we created a plane cake for Calvin. Making elaborate cakes are my version of a marathon - I enjoy the beginning, abhor the middle, and can't wait to finish but am always glad I did it in the end.
• We finished April with our favorite Swedish celebration of spring - Calvin's birthday and Walpurgis Natt. He believes the huge bonfire is solely for his birthday.

May

• May 1st we woke up to snow. Apparently the warm weather was just a tease and spring once again, a cruel temptress.
• Potty training Calvin = nonstop laundry and having to tap into a bottomless pit of patience. Nobody really tells you what's involved - not the whole truth anyway.
• Proof that I have no green thumb - the tulips our landlord planted years ago all bloomed beautifully despite the morning frosts and the two flowers I planted in April are as dead as a doornail.

gorgeous tulips

what i planted - they didn't even survive a week!

So there ya go - a condensed version of the past few months - all typed one handed while holding Lucy

Getting into the swing of things...maybe?

Lucy is now 6 months old and I'm finally, finally, finally, starting to feel like we have a somewhat predictable rhythm. How come nobody told me that it would take 6 months to adjust to having 2 kids? Where was the warning? Come on, experienced moms, give a lady a heads up or something!

Within those 6 months, Jon was gone for a full 13 days and I was on my own - juggling both kids solo. It was actually quite nice, believe it or not. It turns out that I mostly do all of it on my own anyway as Jon gets home after their bedtime. There was also less laundry to do since I didn't really change my outfits all that often and there wasn't another adult generating a mess (or expecting a real meal).

Some things I learned while on my own:

• Nobody judges you for eating a dinner of chicken nuggets and french fries - seriously, why make 2 separate dinners?
• You can go to bed at 8:30pm or as soon as the kids are down
• Going to the bathroom with the door open is a requirement
• You really can balance two kids on your lap in the rocking chair

The only thing I really missed was a truly reciprocal adult conversation in the evenings and an extra hand in the mornings. Calvin is famous for leaving my questions unanswered or if he does respond, it is often nonsensical or just "good" to every question.

Me: Calvin, are you hungry?
Calvin: Good
Me: Do you want a peanut butter sandwich?
Calvin: Good

I only ran into a few snags where I seriously wish I could clone myself. For instance, Lucy would be nursing herself back down to sleep around 5:30am and I would hear Calvin shouting, "Mama, can you hear me? Mama, can you HEAR ME?!?" with increasing intensity and volume. This happened almost every morning. So, I'd get Lucy back asleep and slowly sneak out of bed to go in and cuddle Calvin for another hour.

Before Jon left, he hypothesized that I would finish the wine we had in the fridge. Uhh, I didn't need to touch the stuff but I did drink ALL of the COFFEE. I drank a coffee press pot (4 cups) a day and zero glasses of wine. No bedtime was "too early" for me and I frequently crashed out at 9pm.

In honor of all of the single moms and married moms with partners who travel, I raise my 3x reheated mug of coffee to you in honor of your hard work. It's not easy doing it solo but you do get 100% of the cuddles in return.

Top 10 Technologies for ex-pats

We have a lot of folks moving abroad for short or long stints, so I figured I would finally put up this blog that I had written 90% of 2 years ago…..

1)      VPN – ESSENTIAL to pretend you are still in the states – really enables a lot of the other things on this list (google voice, Netflix, hulu, SEC football game of the week, etc)

2)      Skype – One of the hardest part of this move was taking Calvin away from all of his family.  While it hasn’t been a perfect replacement obviously, we have been able to have regularly scheduled video calls with both of our parents, and have also had video calls with a number of friends, aunts/uncles, siblings and all four sets of our grandparents.  Being able to see folks regularly (and have them see Calvin and us) is great – both for us and for them (if I may make some assumptions)

3)      Google Voice – When we aren’t able to set up a full skype-date, we can randomly call our ‘merican peoples.  When I was working on a project a year ago, I had put $10 on my Gmail calling account.  Once we got out here, we realized that it was only $0.01 per minute for calling home.  So whether its surprising our grandparents with a call to their cell phone, or calling some buddies after I’ve had my drink on for a bit (and they are having a late lunch), its nice to be able to make an improvised phone call.

4)      Google Maps – We still use maps – but street signs aren’t always the most visible things in the world, and there isn’t a big blue arrow constantly updating itself like it is on my phone.   We had an off-site the other week and afterwards my boss tried to give me directions on how to get home – instead of listening to him, I just pulled up my map and started telling him what my options were.  And then when Lis and I start exploring and get completely lost – we can always find ourselves pretty quickly.

5)      Google Translate – I get forwarded a lot of emails, receive a lot of mail and look at a lot of forms – all in Swedish. 

6)      Google Chrome – translates things automatically for you!

7)      Hulu/Netflix/amazon video/HBO to go – especially with the vpn, its like you never left

8)      Viber  – once you convince folks to download it, you text like you would if you lived 5 minutes away from each other.  Just turn it to silent at night….

9)      Twitter – keeps me up to date on basic US news

10)  NFL Gamepass / MLB package / SEC game of the week – most if not all major sports have ex-pat packages now that you can ONLY access if you are out of the country.  Not exactly going to the sports bar down the street, but you don’t NEED to miss a game if you plan a head a bit

An Extremely Difficult Task: Letting Go

We all have something we should let go of, don't we? Some thing or activity that just adds one extra thing to our plate. It could be letting go of the clutter, the waste, the schtuff. Whatever it is, it has this death grip on you and you just can't...let...go. It causes undue stress in the background of your life and you don't even realize how much it weighs you down until you release it and feel yourself immensely relieved.

I let something go yesterday. Even though it wasn't huge, it had reduced me to a scary mascara teary mess at 9pm last night. It was a work project that had been requiring 2+ hours of my time everyday for the past 6 weeks. I rejoined the project when Lucy was 3 months old after returning from my maternity leave thinking I could balance it all.

I CAN DO IT ALL! I AM WONDER WOMAN! And I did do it all at first, but then work was really starting to impact my quality time with Lucy. I am a Mom who Works from Home and I put those words in that order specifically. I am not a Working at Home Mother (mother being last). My children come before my work. That was a decision I made back in October 2011 when we decided to move to Sweden to accomplish just this.

I don't like not being focused on my work or my children and I felt as if I couldn't focus on either. If I'm in my kids' world, I want to play with them and breathe them in. They change so quickly that it's impossible to hold onto anything they do for very long.

At work I want to be a professional and provide high quality work - which I felt was suffering greatly due to my divided and diluted attention. So I didn't quit my job entirely, but I removed an unnecessary chunk off my plate. I let it go. I allowed myself to admit that not being a part of this phase of this particular project wasn't the end of the world. I don't have to do it ALL. Life was getting too hectic. I needed to simplify. 

Letting go was difficult for me because I had to admit that I was afraid of not being included and not being relevant to the team. I felt I had to prove my value and my worth immediately upon returning from maternity leave. But it wasn't the right move at the right time. I was the square peg jamming myself into the round hole and it just wasn't working.

After conversations with my colleagues and my boss, they were all extremely supportive and understanding. It made me wonder why I hadn't come to this realization sooner. Why was I willingly allowing myself to become so stressed by this?

The answer: I feel privileged to be able to work from home and had accepted that I have to work long hours at night to compensate for such flexibility. I was thinking, "Well, at least I get to see her during the day," instead of, "This really isn't what I want for my life right now. This isn't working."

I'm not perfect and I'm open to self-improvement. I will take this as a lesson learned to evaluate my work-life balance regularly and make decisions based on reality instead of some made-up compromise that I MUST endure. I know that I will continue to struggle with letting go but I'm on my way towards making better decisions with my family in mind.

Basically, more of this: